Food is something we physically need to survive. It can be something that helps define our identity through our culture. It can even be something that links us back to vivid memories of our childhood. For me, it’s all of those I’ve listed. Food is my best friend. A friend that comforts me when I’m down. A friend that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. A friend that will never leave me, no matter the circumstance I find myself.
Food is my worst enemy. An enemy that calls for me in my weakest moments. An enemy that can sometimes steer my anxious mind to only one solution. An enemy that can easily make me hate myself with a click of its fingers. Comfort eating is something I know a lot of people fight with, and that’s ok as most do it the minority of the time. However, this isn’t the case for me.
Do I comfort eat on a regular basis? Absolutely.
Do I also sometimes binge eat? Yes.
I’ve accomplished the first step; acknowledging the problem. Yet I’ve known of the issue for a while; I just haven’t found a victorious solution. It seems no matter how hard I try to get out of its grip, it pulls me back with incredible ease. It wouldn’t be as bad if comfort eating allowed me to eat anything remotely healthy, but nope. Why must ice cream be so full of calories? Why must chocolate be so gratifying? Why must pizza be so fulfilling to eat?
It wasn’t much of an issue when I was younger. I swam for four years, and with that came many hours in the chlorine-rich water each week. This meant that no matter how much shit I would eat, the calories would burn themselves and I’d still retain a nice figure. Even then I really struggled with my body image, I’ve always felt like I was a lot bigger than everybody else around me; though when I was a swimmer that wasn’t the case.
I gave swimming up due to injury and that meant everything spiralled. Without the exercise keeping my health in check, there was nothing I could do to combat the issue. I’m just tired of being stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point. I need to get out of this hole that I’ve spent years digging because I’m tired of constantly spinning through this negligent sequence.
It’s almost like ending a really strong toxic friendship. I know that it’s bad for me but I just can’t say goodbye or when I do it always finds a way to crawl back into my life. I know one day I’ll finally shake this off because if it keeps going at this right I won’t have a choice.
If you also have a negative relationship with food and want to get some help or advice, then please visit these links:
Beat – An eating disorder charity offering advice and information on a variety of disorders
NHS Eating Disorders – The official NHS page for information and advice on eating disorders
WebMD Article – An article filled with advice on how to change emotional eating habits
These links should not be used to self-diagnose, if you feel you have a health issue please go and see a health professional